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I won this blog in a truth telling contest
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Bahahaha !
Posted:Sep 18, 2018 6:10 pm
Last Updated:Sep 18, 2018 7:09 pm
85 Views

I need a new bedframe (if you know what I mean) so I checked Amazon just to see what was out there and this by a HUGE margin the most asked question ;

Question:

Is the headboard sturdy enough for handcuffs?

Answer:

NOOOOO. This bed is not sturdy enough for that. I wish I'd spent another $100 on a bed that didn't crack at the joints. This bed is only for sleeping.
4 Comments
Temple of the Dog
Posted:Sep 18, 2018 6:02 pm
Last Updated:Sep 18, 2018 7:09 pm
74 Views

Would you drive 4 hours for 150 dollars ? That's the dilemma I find myself in . That's 35 bucks an hour which is pretty good but when you break it down like that I always find myself in trouble . Such as when I'm at work and I think about my hourly wage and I contemplate "is it worth that amount of money to be here right now for an hour ?" the answer is always no . In the olden days 200 dollars was the standard purse for a big time wrestling match so that seems like a good minimum to do anything that takes much time or effort .

Ladies ? WINK

As you all know I hate the term "doggy style" but I love said style . I've tried before to get other names off the ground and into the common parlance but nothing has taken off . Most often I've tried to popularize the term "X-Files style" because doing it from behind returned to prominence in 1994 as a way for people to have sex and still both be able to watch the X-Files without on person looking at the screen upside down .

And YES I know that you could do it cowgirl and look back over your shoulder but craning your neck like that is really bad .

In screenplays/teleplays when they're diagramming a sex scene they call that "rear entry" which first of all has NO cache and secondly sounds like anal .

In the kama sutra it's called congress of the cow , aka cow style , which is obviously no better and maybe a little worse .

In the animal kingdom they call it presenting which no , just no .

But I've been thinking about this a lot and I think the reason why my previously attempts at rebranding the style that shall not be named is because I wasn't on theme .

Consider this - the two other baseline positions are Missionary and Cowgirl . And those are people kinds of people and/or jobs . The key to coming up with a good replacement is sticking with that theme . Not only that but when you think of missionaries and cowgirls what do you think of ? The old west , I mean not the real old west but the fake Hollywood one from Dances with Wolves , the Revenant , True Grit , Django Unchained , Rango , Blazing Saddles , Wild Wild West , Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and the like . BTW those are supposedly the top grossing Westerns which is shameful since only 2 of them are actually westerns .

The point is my new genre appropriate name for "doggy style" , which will soon be a term no one remembers , is Gunslinger .

Please discontinue all use of doggy style and start saying Gunslinger .

Did you know that some couples find gunslinger relationship-affirming , as it requires and implies a level of trust and a surrender of control by the receiving to the active partner ? I didn't . Also I don't really know what that means . How is gunslinger more vulnerable than missionary ? With missionary you're basically trapped under a mountain of flesh - with gunslinger a hop , skip and a jump and you're out the door . Which is why you should always leave your bra on during Gunslinger so in the event you need to flee you don't end up with a public nudity charge .

See , I'm always watching out for you folks .

Did you know that dogging is British slang for having sex in public ? I did .

I've resolved to stop posting polls which I've been doing lately , but I did want to ask people which would you rather do -

Kiss the Gunner's Daughter

OR

Suck the Monkey

It's a trick question of course because these are old naval slang terms . I mean obviously you'd rather kiss a girl , even if you're a straight lady or gay dude , than suck a monkey dick - but Kissing the Gunner's Daughter is a euphemism for being lashed to a cannon mount and whipped whereas Sucking the Monkey means to drink the booze . Although this being AdultFriendFinder and all it's possible that Kissing the Gunner's Daughter would have won anyway .

I purchased a magazine the other day for the first time in probably 25 years - and it was 14 DAMN dollars ! Stupid Time magazine , who do they think they are ? That is literally outrageous in that I was outraged I was . It's a special issue on the science of laughter . Here's a few tidbits -

Laughing and crying provide the same release , so the next time you feel like you're about to cry think about that SNL sketch - you know the one I mean - and laugh instead

The person telling a joke laughs 43% of the time more often than the person hearing it

You're 30 times more likely to laugh when you're not alone

The thing that most reliable gets people to laugh according to neuroscientists (a hilarious bunch) is showing them a clip of someone else trying not to laugh in a situation when it would be inappropriate to do so

Laughter originated as a way for our primitive baboon ancestors to indicate they were play-fighting instead of murder-fighting , which is why tickling often causes laughter while kicking in the ribs does not . So the next time you're about to throw down start chuckling - your opponent will think you're just messing around and you'll get the advantage .

Here's a good joke . There used to be a famous thought experiment about someone born blind , if they were given sight would they be able to tell the difference been a round ball and a square block which they had "seen" by feeling all their life by looking at it . This used to be a thought experiment because we now know that the answer is "no" because people born blind have been given sight and they always think the opposite - that the block is the smooth round thing they've felt and vice versa .

The joke is that your brain does whatever it wants - data coming through the eyes or through the hands or through the ears is all just noise - the brain gives it meaning . What you see is what you've been trained to see and literally nothing else .

Consider this , you and your buddies are watching the football game and your pet cat is laying around doing cat stuff . The cat cannot see the image on the screen - so to them you're just sitting there staring at nothing . Even the voices coming from the TV don't really mean anything to them because they're not accompanied by other things that cat's use to process information - they're of no interest .

Even if a cat could learn to speak you would have a very difficult time communicating because you're experiencing very different realities . You could never really explain to the cat what the heck is going on because the way the world is shaped for each of you is not the same at all .

And this is despite the fact that you and your cat both evolved in the same world and have very similar biology .

Now , roll this forward , if an alien being - that evolved in a different world with different biology - landed on earth it's ability to understand us and what we got going on would be similarly limited . As would ours to understand it . Your brain would search for context and it would find none . To the point where you might not even register it at all .

We live and die according to how we interpret the unknown and all of human culture is that very process playing out over and over and over again .

Now that's a punchline .
5 Comments
Which do you find to be true ?
Posted:Sep 17, 2018 4:37 pm
Last Updated:Sep 18, 2018 5:15 pm
361 Views

One of many opposing pieces of folk wisdom
Good things come to those who wait ?
S/he who hesitates is lost
2 Comments , 24 votes
A brief history of invasive fish species in the Mississippi River and their impact on China trade
Posted:Sep 16, 2018 10:56 am
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2018 4:41 pm
559 Views
The best way to catch Mississippi catfish is with live bait . Back in the 70's fisherfolk (people who fish not anthropomorphic fishers , which would be awesome) decided that a good live bait fish would be the Asiatic carp which is a colloquial term for several species of heavy-bodied cyprinid fishes (FYI "heavy-bodied" is what I'm going to start using to describe my physique) . Much like when the Jin dynasty in China let the Mongols south of the Great Wall this turned out not to be a great idea . Some of the bait fish escaped (like my left ball when I wear jockeys shorts) and finding they were better than all the other fish around conquered the mighty Mississippi like rampaging Mongol hordes (is that racist ? sorry Mongolians) . This is bad if you care about the environment (which let's be honest , you don't) but it's good news if you like sweet-sweet cash . Because exporting Asiatic carp to China is big money (is that ironic ? no , but it's something) .

Some kinds of Asiatic carp have become famous for being easily frightened by boats and personal watercraft , causing them to leap high into the air (like Michael Jordan , racist ? Sorry Michael Jordan) . They can easily jump 8 to 10 feet into the air and numerous boaters have been severely injured by collisions with the fish . According to the DNR "reported injuries include cuts from fins , black eyes , broken bones , back injuries and concussions (like your football heroes ! )."

If you're a lady and you have a black eye from getting hit by a flying carp is anyone going to believe your husband didn't punch you ?

Why do I bring this up ? No reason really . Oh wait , there was one reason . Remember that time I saved a dumb lizard for dying in the harsh April winter of Iowa ? Of course you do . That seemed super weird at the time but it turns out it was only kind of weird . The Argentine black and white tegu (which I think is what I found) is currently invading the Southern states like the Normans invaded England in 1066 (no apologies you dirty Normans) . People get them as pets then , as like the jerks they are , get tied of them and chuck them out the window - but like Liam Niesen in Taken franchise these lizards aren't going to take that sitting down . Survive they did (ironically they're probably better off given the "care" many people give to their lizard pets) and they've spread from Texas to the Carolinas . Because they are the superior organism . Much like the Asiatic carp they are destroying the "natural" wildlife because they're better .

I'm not sure how I feel about invasive species and the fight against them . I mean first of all humans are surely the most destructive invasive species of all time - if only the Caribbean monk seal had acted more quickly to keep humans out of their ecosystem we wouldn't be in this mess . But you know how Monk seals are with their bickering . Actually you don't because they're all dead and they're never coming back , but trust me . But the other piece - isn't that what evolution is about ? I mean the Asiatic carp is winning right ? Why should we interfere with that ?

Fun fact if you encounter a tegu in the "wilds" of the American South its going to give you 3 warnings before charging and biting your face off . First it will hiss - like a cat or a old lady at the movies . Second it will lash it's tail about - like a cat or a drunk lady in a catsuit on Halloween . People often mistake the lashing tail for a snake because said Tegu is in tall grass or whatnot . Thirdly it will stamp it's front feet like a bull about to charge or a angry little kid who doesn't get ice cream . At that point if you're still around I feel like you want you face bitten off .



I'm thinking about buying a bunch of these and just wearing them around instead of pants . These are of course Diamond MMA Athletic Cup Groin Protector & Compression Shorts System with Built-in Jock Strap . It's a SYSTEM people . And if someone comments on it I'll try to get them in an armbar .

I heard someone say 'noroc' the other day . According to the world wide web this means luck in Romanian . It's also a music group from Moldavia . It's also a DOTorg with a mission to offer new opportunities for spiritual , physical , educational and emotional growth so that at-risk Romanian institutionalized children may escape cycles of poverty , dependency and abuse , and may become independent adults who can nurture meaningful relationships and contribute to their communities . I wonder in which context this person was speaking .



This is a fisher BTW . They're 100% adorbs but they'll tear your lungs out if you mess with them . They mostly eat hares and porcupines . They have a decent range in Canada where people don't want to live so unlike 90% of other animals they probably won't go extinct in your lifetime . Probably .
3 Comments
What's a good term for the female equivalent of a dude-bro ?
Posted:Sep 15, 2018 3:11 pm
Last Updated:Sep 16, 2018 10:14 am
702 Views

I thought there was one but I've been wracking (and racking) my brain and I got nothing . I can't think of a good term to suggest either .

We're talking about the kind of woman who might say things such as ;

"The guy on my diploma is president now so I'm doing pretty good"

"I did the ice bucket challenge & there was NO VODKA IN IT"

"HIV is a myth made up by my dad 2 keep me from gettin laid!!!!"

" got laid in a hospital one time it was with a make-a-wish kid. wish i coulda filmed it."

"I did a porn once too but no1 paid me or filmed it. Got a free jolly rancher tho blue kind"

"FYI, semen in your eye = no big deal. Only burns the first 175 times"

You know the kind I'm talking about .

Advertising is weird . I understand the bait and switch but what's very off is when they do the bait and other kind of bait . Such as there's this TV show called the Good Place - the ads I saw for it where basically "Ted Danson is wacky guardian angel sent down to earth to help a good Christian get into wacky adventures - now with more wackiness !" Which obviously is nothing I would care about . But that's not what it is at all . Instead it's about a lady dude-bro that gets sent to Heaven by mistake (or is it ? ) and ruins everything because she's awful . Which is 100 times more interesting .

Not sure if I would watch it still but it's a lot more like something I might check out you know ?

On time there was this episode of Law and Order , and by one time I mean hundreds of times . One particular episode , RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES , was about a bored housewife who decided it would be fun to do some hooking on the side between soccer practice . And it was super fun until some dude started trying to horn in on her action/blackmail her/something . At one point said dude said "give me a blowjob or I'll do something" I forget what the threat was but you get the gist . So she shot him 77 times in the mouth .

Now the guy from the Old Republic Insurance commercials said she should go to prison because she was giving 100 blowjobs a day so it wasn't reasonable for her to be afraid .

I find this personally to be a very curious tactic because a threat is a threat you know ? If I'm at working doing whatever the hell it is that I do and someone comes in an points a machinegun at me and says "do that thing you do !" (not the movie) I would not feel less in danger by the fact that what this machinegunner wanted me to do was something I could easily do and did all the time .

I mean I am crazy or doesn't it seem like if someone is threatening to kill you in order to get you do something that they're probably going to kill you afterwards anyway ? I feel like the smart move could be to NOT do whatever that is , because clearly it's very important to you so basically it's your only bargaining chip right ?

I don't know if this made-up lady should have killed this made-up guy but the made-up prosecutor had a very bad strategy in my mind .

40 shut up about TV god damn it !

I saw a horse in a trailer on the way up to the Twin Cities and it was mostly open so you could see the horse - which I've never seen before . I assume when they did that they put a hood on the horse so it didn't freak out . There was no hood . What do you think a horse is thinking when it's zooming down the highway at 80 mphs ?

At the Beck concert I said I didn't want a booze wristband so they put Xs on the back of my hands . I thought it was kind of funny so I was going to post a picture of that and CM Punk (a straight-edge wrestler who always had that on his fist-tape) and a burlesque lady with X nipple tape and ask who wore it better but I'm too lazy .

That system seems redundant to me . Why do you need wristbands AND Xs ? If you have Xs you can't drink and if you don't you can . What's the point of the wristband ? Also there's already a wristband for re-entry why not make them the same ? Red wristband for re-entry AND booze , blue wristband for re-entry only .
5 Comments
If you're not sure the devil exists look into your own heart
Posted:Sep 11, 2018 6:44 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2018 2:46 pm
1575 Views

My grandpappy said that . He was a real hardcase in some ways . It's hard to tell if people of that generation got everything they ever wanted or if they were completely unfulfilled and empty due to lack of choices .

Sometimes constructing a blog idea in my brain and I think "you can't say that it's going to upset people !" but then I remember that hardly anyone reads this and it doesn't matter what I say . It's very liberating . Having a blog on here is kind of silly , it being a fucksite and all , but it's nice to literally be able to say whatever you want and it doesn't matter a stich .

Olivia Munn has been in the news lately because in the upcoming box office bomb Predator there was supposed to be a scene with her and a dude who was a sex offender and she got him kicked off the picture . The coverage has basically come in three waves .

Wave 1 - Olivia Munn is a hero , time's up , feminism , etc.

Wave 2 - When she reporting this the studio wasn't happy and tried to cover the whole thing up , boo corporations , boo capitalism , money is evil , boo , etc.

Wave 3 - Accusations that after she did this the rest of the "stars" in said film , all dudes , were freezing her out . Somehow at this point it seemed like even though this story was basically pro-Munn it was starting to cast her in a unspecified bad light . Possibly just because people were over the whole thing .

My first thought is that the fact that the company didn't want to deal with it isn't really news - that's just how it is . Every corporations wants things to go smooth - they don't want problems or publicity or anything - they want you to keep your mouth shut about anything and everything . We all know this . HR isn't there to protect you , it's there to protect the company - unless you in a union no one is looking out for you , and even that is shaky sometimes .

My second thought is much more icky . Because it seems like some form of victim blaming . Or adjacent to it somehow . I mean it's good that she went after this guy BUT it was clearly a calculated move . Because you know who else is in this movie ? Arnold Schwarzenegger . I feel like due to the Trump Effect people have kind of forgotten the roughly 7,777 women that came forward to say that Terminator groped them , cornered them and rubbed his junk on them , was sexually aggressive towards them and whatnot . And you know my theory - if that's what gets out there's probably a couple legit (banned topic) in there too .

But Olivia Munn didn't have any issue with that because that's not a fight she can win right ? If she goes up against the Terminator she's not going to win , she's the one who's going to be off the movie . So that's a practical move but you know it just kind of makes the whole thing ring hollow to me you know ?

Maybe this is what women have to deal with though , picking their battles - who I am to say ?

also curious if the dudes in the cast gave her the cold shoulder after this incident or if that was going on all along - because it seems likely that's just what happens when you're the only woman on the callsheet . Dudes are kind of like that right ?

Even though it's not really related at all it makes me think of the current flap over Guardians of the Galaxy 3 . I don't know exactly what happened but after Gunn attacked Trump some Trump people said "hey look at these old tweets where Gunn was joking about various sexual things" so Disney fired him . The main cast all came out in support of him but former terrible wrestler Dave Bautista has been really making a stink about it . The other people know to leave well enough alone but "The Animal" Dave Bautista isn't from the Hollywood world so he doesn't get that you need to swallow your pride if you want to work .

In the world he came from it's not only totally fine to talk shit about other people in the biz it's encouraged . I mean we all know that wrestling is "fake" but it's always good for a ratings bump when dudes have legit heat with one another . Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels famously hated each other IRL , as did Edge and Matt Hardy - and countless others .

Which is yet another way in which wrestling is bizarre . Image that someone ruins a multi-million dollar contract for you , or sleeps with your spouse , or slaps your kid , or snitches on you to the cops (all real examples) and then not only do you still have to work with that person your "work" is making it look like you're beating the shit out of them without really doing it . AND if you did "accidentally" drop them on their head and break their neck you 100% would get away with it . And yet they never do . It's hard to comprehend what goes on in that world .

The X-Men films have been a pretty mixed bag - setting aside Logan (which was awesome) there's X2 which wasn't bad and Days of Future Past which was "meh" . The biggest disappointment for me was Age of Apocalypse because it was weak ass and Apocalypse is one of my favorite comic books characters . It was also a bummer because they made a big deal about Psylocke (played by Oliva Munn) being in it and her character was completely superfluous .

People who don't read comics probably don't realize how insane things get over time - because characters are around forever . It's kind of like a soap opera - things just get more and more out there but the difference is they never go away , there's no actor to age out of the project and/or pursue more meaningful work - more and more storylines just get piled on them .

Here's a brief look at Psylocke's history . She was a fancy British lady with psychic powers - her twin brother also had powers but he was just your standard Superman type .

Then she was kidnapped by a yellow fatman from another dimension , brainwashed and given cybernetic eyes to star in a TV show . After her brother and the New Mutants rescued her she decided to go live in the X-Mansion seemingly for no reason but actually because Roma , Guardian of the Galaxy (aka God) needed here there to defeat Sabertooth .

Later in Dallas she along with many other X-Men died fighting Adversary (aka the Devil) but Roma (God) thought it was pretty cool that they defeated the devil so she decided to resurrect them - BUT for laughs she decided to resurrect them as random new people .

Psylocke was reborn was a sexy Asian ninja (obs) . The ninja leader though this would be a good time to ask the yellow fatman from another dimension's six armed magical bodyguard to bring his lady love out of a coma - which she did but she also switched her mind with Psylocke's . For . . . . reasons . . . . So now there's two sexy lady psychic ninjas in a Freak Friday scenario .

So Psylocke (in a different body) becomes queen ninja and they send her to kill Wolverine - but seeing his hairy belly makes her remember that she's actually a posh British lady ! But then the other sexy lady psychic ninja showed up and goes "no , the real posh British lady trapped in a sexy Asian ninja body !" and not even Professor X could figure out who was who so they just kept them both .

In a short period of time one or both sexy Asian ninja psychic ladies try to get it on with most of the male X-Men . But then the other sexy Asian lady psychic ninja got sick so she committed seppuku which reversed the Freaky Friday and put Psylocke back in her original-non-original body - who then started banging Angel .

Then Sabertooth killed her but some different ninjas brought her back to life - which gave her more powers and also made her kind of a bitch to Angel . They decided to quit being X-Men to focus on their relationship . But then the Shadow King killed her .

Jean Grey brought her back to life but oh no another Freaky Friday ! Jean and Psylocke switch bodies . Since she had a new body she kicked Angel to the curb and when heroing again - only to be killed by some no-name to save Rogue and Beast who quit the X-Men every other month .

She was dead for a while this time but then was back alive again without explanation . Her brother thought this was weird at first but when the Scarlet Witch first changed reality to make mutants in charge and then changed it again to get rid of most of the mutants everyone decided that it was fine .

Then she found out that the Shadow King had created a team of Shadow X-Men and when she looked into that she found out that the Shadow King had Freaky Fridayed Professor X himself ! She was then killed .

But Roma (God) came back on the scene and deciding that bringing people back to life was played out brought in a Psylocke from another dimension . But this new Psylocke got all fucked up because dead Psylocke was a ghost and was trying to get into her body . So she was like "fuck it" and let her in which resulted in TWO Psylockes in one body - which is like Freaky Friday only different . This also make her twice as psychic of course .

Then she started banging Sabertooth because hey , so what if your BF killed you once right ? Then she was killed by the Shadow King - man that guy is a jerk ! But a third clan of ninjas took her body and the body of the other sexy Asian ninja lady and brought them both back to life - you guessed it , switching their bodies Freaky Friday style . Why ? Who cares .

She was brainwashed again and tried to kill the X-Men but Dazzler (of all people) knocked some sense back into her and she was back on the team . So then she tried to get back into her original body but BAM the original ninja clan showed up and killed her yet again .

going to stop now but this is only like a third of her backstory .
4 Comments
How long ago did you drop your home phone service ?
Posted:Sep 10, 2018 6:15 pm
Last Updated:Sep 11, 2018 5:39 pm
1915 Views

When did you go mobile only ?
Six or less years ago
Seven to eleven years ago
Twelve or more years ago
Never jumped
10 Comments , 38 votes
Press 12 to get kicked in the dick by a dominatrix wearing heels
Posted:Sep 10, 2018 6:02 pm
Last Updated:Sep 12, 2018 8:52 pm
1822 Views
See that's like next level stuff there because there is no 12 on a phone so you can't even get the dick kicking you want .

So this guy says to me he says "I wanted to cancel my phone service so I went to the website but you can't do it there so I had to call and then it was an automated menu - if it's automated why is it not just on the website ?!"

Whereupon I was heard to remark "Is that a serious question ? They don't want to make it easy to cancel - no matter how convoluted a website is you're unlikely to give up - people get mad and rage quit circular phone menus all the time . It costs them nothing to waste your time , even if it only works once it's worth it to them ."

Every office job (and probably others) usually involves a so-called alphabet soup (if it can so be called) of acronyms that occasionally become hilarious to the immature . Back at my old job it was usually when we were talking about the last ANAL on the account . "I think this last ANAL date is wrong" someone would say and a new person would snicker . Jokes about "how could you not remember your last ANAL !" were as common as Ford Festivas in the 90s .

Today I had a long meeting about the sensitivity of the NIPS . There's a lot of concerns that the NIPS aren't sensitive enough . If you don't know what NIPS are all you really need to know is that the NIPS become a prison for hostile traffic . If you know what I mean .

Sometimes people go to therapy . And that's cool because they want to figure out why they are the way they are . But I can save you all a lot of time .

Why does a tree do what it does ? Why does it soak in sunlight with it's leaves and take in water and nutrients with it's roots and grow and shade out other trees and whatnot ? Survival . The end . The concept of not doing those things is literally unthinkable - because it can't think . It does what it has to do make it .

As much as we like to fancy it all up we're the same way . You are the way you are because that's the way you had to be to motivate yourself to do the things that keep you alive . If you're a curmudgeon who acted like they're an old man when they were 10 , if you're a happy shiny people , if you're the kind of person who needs to please others , if you're a Stepford smiler who's dying inside , if you're Purity Sue , if you're pushy Lothario , if you're a straw nihilist , if you're a faux affable asshole , a raging bitchcake , a sad clown , a dorkataur , whatever you are it's because that's what you needed to do to make it .

That will be $500 please .

NOW before you go accusing me of being all "nothing ever changes just give up" that doesn't mean that's the way it HAS to be . That was just the path of least resistance you feel me ? You needed to become a way to survive - doesn't mean you can't learn a different and better way .

Such as tigers have terrible claws to help them survive - doesn't means claws are the best ever - they can learn to drive helicopters and earn a wager and buy food . Which is obviously better .

You may have become a good natured doormat because that's the way you could make it through the day but you don't have to stay that way if you don't want to - there's other solutions , that was just the one that "evolution" came up with for you . You can work on being something else such as a drama queen of the Snark Knight - heck you could even try to be someone good !

I mean I wouldn't recommend it but then I'm a Dandere so you know , grain of salt .

I haven't posted a picture in a good long while in spite of my promise to always do it .



Rectified .

I always thought that Rectify looked like a good show but I never watched it . I figured I watched enough downer TV series .
6 Comments
40deuce Paranormal Investigator
Posted:Sep 8, 2018 8:36 am
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2018 5:36 pm
2338 Views

Football season is upon us once more . I am what's known as a "casual" fan in the sense that I am only interested in the games whereupon I have laid down massive wagers . If the Browns score 6 safetys in their game I am going to be swimming in cash guys . But there are some people who don't like sports atall . Which is fine . But there are some people that don't even comprehend why anyone would like sports . Which isn't fine because it's very simple .

You see people spend their days at jobs they hate , go home to family they resent and their only relief is the promise of the weekend where they can get together with their friends , numb themselves with enough vodka to kill a horse and watch an athlete do the physically impossible or horribly injure themselves in the attempt .

Who can't understand that ?

You know what the least realistic thing is about horror movies ? That for the first hour everyone refuses to believe that something supernatural is going on . People are not that skeptical . In real life is someone see something red running down their wall they immediately run out of the house screaming because they think it's blood - only in movies to people say "oh , it's just a rusty pipe leaking" . I would like a horror movie that skips the traditional "everyone tries to convince the protagonist they're boyfriend is not the antichrist" and has a plot where everyone is onboard right away . People WANT to believe in this shit you know ?

The point is before you call me to investigate your she-shed that you think is the portal to Hades keep a few things in mind . Here's a fun fact about hallucinations - they can be either visual or auditory but not both . People can hear voices , they can see things that aren't "really" there , but not at the same time . If a clown with a shark-head came up to you and said that it was going to eat your uterus in 8 days that was not a hallucination because you both saw and heard it and that doesn't happen .

If you think you've been abducted by aliens it's almost always a case of sleep paralysis - which is often accompanied by a form of wakeful dreaming in which it is common to feel like someone is intruding on you . You know the "grey" aliens that people often describe ? That didn't start happening until after a 1964 episode of the Outer Limits aired that featured aliens that looked like that . And anal probes ? People didn't start "experiencing" that until colonoscopies became common . Aliens that visit you in the night are usually your anxieties making themselves manifest . But if you ARE legitimately being harassed by aliens don't call me anyway because I deal with the supernatural not extraterrestrial . Sorry .

After the movie Paranormal Activity came out tons of people started saying they had stuff moving in their house by itself . People are very worried by this . It's no big deal though . Angry spirits are not any more of a problem that having a rambunctious cat - sometimes a glass gets knocked over . Deal with it . If you don't have a cat get one , then you can blame the cat . They don't mind .

As you all know I have a ghost in my attic - and I know it's a ghost because it is not a shadowy spirit . Why would a ghost be translucent ? Smoke and fog look like that because they're particles suspended in the air . Do you think a soul is tiny physical particles ? Think about a hologram - is has to be projected onto something to be seen . Is that what you think a ghost is ? Ghosts just look like people - you've probably seen tons of them walking around without even realizing it . You know what the kicker is ? Most ghosts don't even realize that they're ghosts . Dying is a confusing experiencing - a lot of them don't have any clue what's happened . The one way you can tell is that you can't take a picture of a ghost , because you don't see them your eyes you know ?

If you're visited by a creature that's telling you a prophecy there's an easy way to tell if it's legit - ask it a question that you don't know the answer to but can be verified later . People always make the mistake of asking about things only they know - but if this is a manifestation of your brain it knows what you know savvy ? Ask it something like "how many safetys will the Browns score this weekend ?" and then you know what the deal is . But here's the other piece - use your own judgement . People seem to think if someone displays knowledge of the future they should listen to them . Why ? You think people in the future aren't assholes ? There are people right now that if they could travel through time would try to help the Confederacy win the civil war , should old timey people listen to them ? No . So if someone asks you to kidnap , strangle and dismember Scarlet Johansen otherwise the wrong dude will become president in 4379 ask yourself - why would I care about that ?

Now let's talk about monsters . If you always heard that grandpa died by falling into a grain elevator and you find out instead that he was smothered by a snake-beast from the 8th dimension does it really make a difference ? Dead is dead right ? What's the use of pulling on that thread ? If there are snake-beasts from the 8th dimension why would you want them to know about you ? Let sleeping snake-beasts lie you know ?
2 Comments
Which would you rather have ?
Posted:Sep 8, 2018 7:58 am
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2018 5:35 pm
2635 Views

Which would you rather have ?
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$40,000
10 Comments , 52 votes
Can't buy me love
Posted:Sep 7, 2018 6:28 pm
Last Updated:Sep 8, 2018 7:56 am
2459 Views

Despite my best efforts people still say "Money can't buy happiness" when they SHOULD say "Money can't buy happiness . . . just kidding" .

But consider this , people who make less than $35,000 a year are 50% more likely to commit (BANNED TOPIC) . And people on government assistance are 100% more likely .

40 , you're doing that thing you always rail against - you're implying a causal connection based off only a correlation - it's just as valid to assume that the same things that contribute to (BANNED TOPIC) such as mental health issues also contribute to lower salaries .

You've bested me again .

People usually know that the sun is VERY large and VERY far away , but what they don't usually consider is that the sun is also VERY loud . It's an atomic cauldron you know , nuclear reactions are happening there on a massive scale constantly . But as we all know sound waves can't travel though the vastness of space so here on earth we don't hear the screaming fury of the mighty sun . If we could even as far away as we are we'd be constantly blasted with 120 decibels - which is the same as a thunderclap .

And so , we must ask ourselves , if space did consist of a medium that could carry soundwaves would the sense of hearing have evolved on earth life ? My initial thought is no - I the sound of the sun would be so loud a sense of hearing would be useless . But upon further reflection not so sure . For instance if you just measure light it doesn't seem like it would be useful - there's tons of light all the time right ? But life evolved to use the light bouncing off other things to learn all kinds of stuff . Maybe sound would be the same . Maybe we wouldn't hear the way we do know but it would be more like echolocation - tuning in the way certain sounds were coming at us . Which probably could be turned into a form of speech/communication right ?

Which begs this question - if we all communicated by bouncing soundwaves off each others tits would we all speak a universal language ? I mean our visual "language" is the same right ? Donnie Yen and I might call a cat something different with our verbal language in this paradigm but when I see a cat he also sees a cat - he doesn't see a dog . So if your method of talking was based on feeling sound would it all be the same ?

Remember that episode of TNG where Riker killed all those clones and for some reason everyone jut shrugged ? I do . At least Star Trek is consistent though because in other episodes people murdered clones and it was also fine . Which doesn't seem very Star Trekky - they're supposed to be more evolved right ? Anyway , in that episode they also decided that Geordi because of his visor could tell when people were lying to him .

Which was never mentioned again because it's a real issue for the writers . If Geordi can tell when people are lying , even if it only applies to humans , he should be on the bridge every time they talk to anyone . But that's not even the worst of it - his Geordi's visor can tell when people are lying surely the computer can do the same thing - so they should always know when people are lying . Which makes plotting out a story much harder so they just ignored it .

Which is why you should have a show bible - up front you need to decide what everyone can do .

Which brings us to Counselor Troi - I never realized it until I started watching the series back through but she's missing from a TON of episodes . There's 178 episodes of TNG and she's in barely over 100 of them . For the same reason . They made her half-Betazed to reduce her powers but the writers still couldn't deal with having a psychic on board . And even when she was around they ignored her powers half the time . She could sense ships several sectors away . She could sense individual people on planets with billions of beings . Like Geordi she could tell when people were lying , and just how they were feeling in general . She should have been one of the MOST useful crewmembers .

But of course the character who's abilities are ignored the most is your favorite and mine Commander Data . The dude has super speed . Literally . All the various times other people were caught off guard he should have been all over that shit . His reaction time should be unbeatable . All the times people got kidnapped off the bridge ? No . Instead Data . I know his job wasn't technically security but he should have been a part of every security detail - he's got the strength of 100 chimpanzees and he's more or less invulnerable . All those times the security losers got tossed around by the alien of the week ? No . Instead Data . And why did he bother using the manual interface with the computer ? Why wasn't he jacked in all the time ?

On the other hand since the show was written in the early 90s his supposed processing power is inferior to the OS of your smartphone . So maybe they were right on with their portrayal .

Poor dumb Data .

That would be an interesting character , a dude who's got all these super powers but isn't smart enough to really do much with them .
3 Comments
Guys I am SO rich
Posted:Sep 4, 2018 5:54 pm
Last Updated:Sep 5, 2018 5:20 pm
2949 Views

Here's how rich I , sometimes I go to the Banana Republic and two shirts two at a time . I know what you're thinking "40 , don't those shirts cost a lot of money ?' Yes they do . money that I have . Sometimes I eat money . I get bored of spending it so I put some chocolate syrup on it and just eat it .

This weekend I was hanging out with my sister and I stopped at the bank to cash a birthday check from grandma -

which sidenote , is always a struggle . I mean is it worth it to go to the bank for grandma's birthday check ? I mean literally throwing away money is hard but going to the bank ? Blah . Remember that episode of Seinfeld where he cashed all those checks from his Nana and then her account was overdrawn ? Or did the checks bounce ? I mean checks go stale after a year right ? Was that comedic premise not 100% realistic ? It's strange I don't remember because normally I have total recall on Seinfeld . That must be one they don't much for some reason .

- and after I handed the teller the check she just said "Okay your balance is X" which has never happened before ever . They always ask if I want my balance and if I say "yes" they discretely (and discreetly) hand me a slip of paper with the very large number on it .

My sister heard this an her eyes lit up like a tapir coming across an unguarded nest of penguin eggs . She's been on me constantly to borrow money since that moment . I know I say this a lot but it's really annoying . Not only that but she's been on my ass about just flat out wasting money .

Such as she called some dude and was asking to get me into his fantasy football league (for money) on fucking speaker phone . She doesn't even watch football .

And then yesterday she called me because she wanted me to buy some Killer Bees signed merch for $750 dollars . I haven't cared about the Killer Bees since 1985 - no one has . Not to mention the fact that for $75 I could have the Killer Bees come to my damn house - and that's not even $75 a piece , that's for both .

A lot of wrestlers didn't like the movie The Wrestler because it made all wrestlers seem like their fate was being broken down penniless losers - but here's the thing , that IS the fate of most wrestlers . Such as the Killer Bees .

often shocked by how many people never saw the Wrestler . I mean I know it's about wrestling but it was nominated for an Academy Award . And Marissa Tomei was super naked in it . What more could you want ?

There do only seem to be two kinds of wrestlers when it comes to finances though - the ones who steal plastic cups and cash in their plane tickets and hide in the baggage hold even when they're working on multi-million dollar contracts and the one's who spend ever penny as soon as they get it because "I can always make more" . There doesn't seem to be much middle ground . I suppose if you're getting into wrestling in the first place you're not a middle ground kind of person .

Wrestling digression over , the point is that teller blew it jobwise .

And on that topic I went to get a massage for the first time in literally forever and it sucked a dick . It's not the worst massage I ever got- that honor goes to the one time I let a dude massage me and he destroyed my shoulder AND wouldn't shut up about his fucking band - but it's firmly the second worst massage I ever had .

I could barely feel it . I can only surmise that she had practiced her massage skills on eggs drained of their fluid . I asked her a couple times to use more pressure and bubkis . After 25 minutes I says to her I says " good we can stop now" which has to be like the ultimate insult in the massage world . I still gave her a tip though because I a spineless jellyfish .

The other day I was reading an article called "Conquering the Reptile" which was about how to defend against the "Reptile Strategy" of litigation and I thought that Conquering the Reptile sounds like the kind of language they use in the Kama Sutra and things of that nature to describe some sex act/position . Next time you're going to make sweet , sweet love down by the fireside on the bearskin rug say to your lover "Let's try Conquering the Reptile" and see what they do .

Report back to me what the Reptile is and how one Conquers it .

Ezekiel 20 - 23 says 'There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.'

I guess there are some women (size queens some call them) who want dudes with donkey-cocks , but are they any who want a horseload worth of emissions on or in or around them ? I've ever heard a woman bragging about how much semen her partner sprayed at her . One time I heard a woman talking about how crazy big her BFs loads were but that was more in the vein of "isn't that weird ?" than being into it .

Remember back in the day when every hacky comedian had a bit about the DMV which basically was "it takes forever" and "those pictures are terrible" . I imagine for some crusty road comic was sitting in the club chain smoking and saying to everyone "You got talent kid but you need a bit about the DMV - that's where the money is !"

I was at the DMV for about two hours today and you really get a slice of Americana there . The dude sitting on one side of me was on this phone trying to gets someone to pick him up for $40 because he was on parole . The couple on the other side didn't appear to speak English . One of the guys working there got through 3 customers in that 2 hours because he seemed to have problems with everything . And the people he was trying to help were confused by him which only made him more confused . Several people didn't seem to know how cameras worked/had never had their picture taken before . Some girls were there and were mad because they were late for a state dance tryouts . A LOT of people didn't know you had to for your license and were PISSED . One guy came in with an unlaminated out of state license with some kind of weird star on it that puzzled everyone . It was quite a scene .
4 Comments
I'd like a 100 extra small condoms please
Posted:Sep 2, 2018 7:29 am
Last Updated:Sep 3, 2018 1:46 pm
3187 Views

Something mildly weird happened at the grocery store this morning but I'm not going to talk about it because several people lately have accused me to having weird stuff happen to me all the time . Which isn't true in the sense that I don't think I have more weird stuff happen to me than anyone else . I think what's happening is that A - I believe that I am slightly more observant that some and B - I catalog every damn thing that happens to me ever in this stupid blog . I bet if you wrote down everything that happened to you there'd be plenty of slightly weird stuff .

There's a podcast called All Fantasy Everything which is on my list but I haven't gotten around to listening to yet . The premise is that they do a fantasy draft of whatever - such as one time I did a post about what 4 people you would want from pop culture to pull off a heist - I believe it's like that .

In that vein I will now assemble my starship crew .

We'll start off with helmsmen . Which is kind of an odd one because Captain Picard and Captain Sulu both started at helm but it's like the low man on the totem pole . And because a lot of the time helm is just rotating extras . Tom Paris is supposed to be the best helmsman ever but that dude was a loser . He was a total fuckwit you know ? I don't even remember who was at helm of the Defiant , I think it was Nog maybe ? So yeah , no way . There's really no choice here other than Sulu - I mean the dude figured out how to fly a helicopter . Which is like a computer programmer figuring out how to make a loom by hand .

Next lets look at Ops - as in Operations . Operations is also kind of weird because usually to keep already bloated casts from getting even bigger they have the Operations Officer also be something else - like the science officer . That's not going to fly on my ship . BTW that was the largest reason for a lot of TNG's issues - the cast was too big . Or course the characters were undeveloped there were a million of them . I'm not a huge TOS fan (as you know) but they had the formula right - Kirk , Spock and Bones were the main cast and everyone else was just kind of around . Data is the obvious choice but I have other plans for him . I'll put Jadzia Dax here .

Science Officer - Spock , hands down . He was the sciency-est . It's telling that they usually have the emotionless freak as the science officer . Spock - basically a bio-robot , Data - actual robot , 7 of 9 half-robot with serious tits , whatever the chick from Enterprise was named - another bio-robot . I guess it kind of makes sense you can't really have your science person be the fly by the seat of your pants rogue .

Executive Officer - This one is also strange because sometimes it's own thing and sometimes it's not . Spock and T'Pol (that's the enterprise lady's name) were the science officer and the XO , but Riker and Chakotay were just the XO . I'm going to go with Saul Tigh from BSG here because as long as he was sober and not the captain he was a great XO . He's not from Star Trek , deal with it .

Tactical - Data , aw shit you didn't see that coming did you ? The thing about Data is that you can plug him in anywhere and he'd be the best - you need him your ship for sure . Probably his talents are wasted on tactical but you're not going to slip anything past him - he's going to be ready to rock 247365 at 1 million percent . Try your Kirk maneuver if you wish he'll be ready . There's a tradition of having the tactical guy be like a hothead which is insane - if you're in charge in the planet-destroying laser beams you need a cool head . And no one was cooler headed than Data .

Security - Tuvok , obviously . Worf was the worst , Odo has issues . I wanted Tasha to be dope but she just wasn't . Security seems like a good place for a Vulcan - again you need a steady hand .

Chief Medical - This one is a little tricky . I'm halfway tempted to go with Polasky but everyone hated her so . Bones and Crusher lost like 80% of their patients . Flox was into like homeopathic bullshit or something . And I'm not going to count the EMP . Dr. Bashir was not only competent but is a genetically enhanced super-monster ala Khan himself . Event thought I hate that actor's smug face and want to punch it .

Chief Engineer - Montgomery Scott . All respect to Geordi , Scotty was the man . And he somehow managed to get an STD in the future when all diseases were cured . So he got AROUND you know ? Don't even come at me with your O'Brien of Torres BS .

And the big one - El Capitan . Sisko is who you'd want in wartime . Picard in peacetime . Kirk if you needed an alien to get humped . But the prime captain is clearly Janeway . She's got the perfect blend of all the various skills needed to deal with whatever comes down the pike . Is it pike or pipe ?

Oh , and I forgot about the random woman on the bridge position . Sometimes it communications , sometimes counselor , sometimes who even knows . I'm going to go with T'Pol because that gives me two full blooded Vulcans and one halvsie . And Vulcans are basically superpeople - they're 10 times stronger than humans and they're fucking telepaths . Plus they have nerve pinching powers .

Double oh , I forgot you need to have some random Ensign hanging around also . I choose 7 of nine and her truly impressive tits .
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