I'm Batman , I'm awesome , got a nine pack
|
Posted:Oct 7, 2018 2:28 pm
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2018 6:43 pm
94898 Views
|
February 19th 2017 I went on a date to see the Lego Batman Movie . It was the high water mark of the relationship . Not because of the Lego Batman Movie (well not JUST because of that) but because we were past the first few weeks/months were things are kind of question marky and nerve wracking but not yet to the part where you start to hate each other . There’s a little sweet spot in there that I assume is why people keep doing it .
I love the Lego Batman Movie . It’s been on HBO for a while now and I watch part of probably ever few days . Does that make me a loser ? Yes . But I don’t care .
As anyone who reads this blog knows (aka no one) I enjoy the Batman . Sometimes people come up to me and that say “Hey 40 , which is the best Batman ?” and the expect me to say Christian Bale or maybe Adam West but I don’t . Because Lego Batman is the best Batman .
Why ?
I’m glad you asked .
Batman has more swagger than anyone . He looks crazy cool at all times , he’s the best fighter in the world , he’s the richest , he’s the smartest , he’s got an unlimited arsenal of cool gadgets . Those things are all in this movie , cranked up to comical levels of excess . Batman is introduced fighting every one of his villains at the same time , while performing a rock song about how awesome he is .
Lego Batman simultaneously mocks and revels in every facet of his character .
Batman has spirit animals of all four Ninja Turtles . He’s a leader , he’s a techie , he’s a jerk with a shitty attitude , but , as we all too often forget , he’s also a totally awesome guy who loves doing totally awesome things .
It’s not just that Batman is more credible a character or his achievements are more meaningful , but that he’s impressive , with more swagger and bragging rights .
Batman always wins with one hand tied behind his back .
Batman is prepared for everything . The coolest thing about him is how hard it is to take him by surprise . He stays up at night thinking about everything you might possibly do to take him out and he comes up with a plan to counter it . In the same way that Bruce Wayne always knows what fork to use at a fancy dinner , Batman knows which gadgets to bring for any occasion . Imagine how powerful it would feel to always be prepared for any eventuality , knowing that you can handle any situation because you’ve already rehearsed it in your mind in every possible configuration .
He can’t rely on superpowers, like Superman does . He relies on his own hyper disciplined mind and powers of observation and deduction .
The hyper-prepared version of Batman who is one step ahead of everyone else is NOT the one who shows up in the Lego Batman Movie . He has a moments of brilliance but mostly impulsive short-sightedness.
One of the moments I found most delightful was when Alfred tells Batman he has to go to a charity event and Batman starts flopping around on the floor , throwing a full-out tantrum . The only thing that cheers him up is a tuxedo dress-up party . Both the tantrum and the joy in wearing fancy dinner jackets are TOTALLY unlike any Batman we know and yet somehow they feel true to the character . It’s almost like we can imagine “traditional” Batman doing those things in his mind and this movie brings that behavior out into the open .
It reminds me of the College Humor skit from a while back about Batman denying that he kills anybody when he clearly just killed a bunch of people . There’s totally a deep Batman who is a stubborn .
Zach Snyder’s Batman is a fundamental misunderstanding of the character (especially in his cavalier attitude towards manslaughter) . The Lego Batman is also untraditional , but he feels like an EXCELLENT depiction of Batman .
I think a big part of it is that in a Lego movie , violence is basically negated . It’s really interesting ! In both The Lego Batman Movie and The Lego Movie there is theoretically LOTS of fighting , but it’s the most inconsequential fighting I’ve ever seen , because they’re Legos . It’s obviously a lot different than a live action Batman movie , but it also feels a lot different than other animated films . If you’ve ever seen the Kung Fu Panda film , those fight scenes are intense . In Lego Batman, the fighting feels like pushing plastic toys across a coffee table , in a good way . The fighting is still fun to watch – it’s lovingly choreographed and there’s a real joy to it . But it feels low stakes , which decontextualizes the story a little bit.
The point is current day Michael Keaton would be a better Batman than Ben Affleck
Who never skips leg day ? BATMAN !!!
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
|
|
If you wanna make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make a change
|
Posted:Oct 1, 2018 4:29 pm
Last Updated:Oct 2, 2018 6:27 pm
95644 Views
|
Beautiful words from an dreadful person .
I follow one of my former co-workers on Twitter because she’s a super-ultra-mega liberal (with a foreign twist) and her occasional radical stances amuse me .
She got married recently and she was bragging that on her wedding day she got hammered at the reception , as is tradition , and that night in the honeymoon sweet she wanted to have sex but her husband refused because he said that she was in no condition to be able to consent .
Now , my initial reaction to this is that this is one of her crazy stances that’s going too far . If we’re being honest I think it’s fine to have sex with your drunk wife who’s initiating sex .
Does that make me a horrible person ? Is this the problem ? That I , and people like me , think that’s fine ?
I hate to say “where’s the line” because it seems like guys who ask that are asking because they want to know how shiftily they can behave before the sheriff comes to arrest them , but where’s the line ?
On two occasions my first AdultFriendFinder friend went out drinking with her pals , and booty called me when she got home and I obliged said call . Does that mean I’m a (BANNED TOPIC) ?
I mean obviously if a dude finds a woman passed out drunk and has sex with her that’s just flat out (BANNED TOPIC) but that’s not the conversation we’re trying to have right ? That dude is just a criminal , the end . What the current conversation is about (I think) is when things aren’t so cut and dry .
What if both people are drunk ? What does that mean ? They’re both guilty ?
If you’re over the legal limit what does that mean ? If you get drunk and rob a Long John Silvers you can’t go “not my fault , I was too drunk to know what I was doing” no matter what your blood alcohol is right ? But if you’re over the limit does that mean you can’t consent legally ? I don’t think so but I don’t know . If you get drunk and sign a contract with someone can you get out of it by saying you were impaired ?
I guess the basic question is does being intoxicated legally mean the same thing as being mentally incompetent ? It can’t mean that though because you can say you’re not fit to stand trial for a crime based on mental competency but you can’t for being shit-faced .
Keep in mind of course that this all comes from the perspective of a non-drinker so I don’t even really know what I’m talking about .
So imagine that tomorrow I decided I’m done with not drinking and I buy myself two jugs of Woodchuck Hard Cider and I go to town . And in my drunken state I pop off a tweet to WNBA all-star Maya Moore saying I want to bang and she happens to be in town and comes over and we have sex . The next day if I say “She (BANNED TOPIC) me” on account of I was too drunk to know what I was doing there is no chance of anything happening other than my name becoming a brief late-night punchline . So does that make it okay or is that just a whole different problem ?
I feel like whenever people talk about this they say something like “you KNOW when someone is too drunk” which seems like a bullshit cop-out to me . Is the answer that you just shouldn’t have sex with anyone who’s been drinking at all ? I’d be fine with that but clearly the US as a society LOVES the booze so I doubt that’s going to get far at all .
So is the solution that you need to make sure you’re AS drunk as the person you’re about to have sex with ? Because that seems to make sense “logically” but it’s clearly insane . If a dude said “She was pretty tipsy so I chugged a 40 real quick to make sure it was kosher” you’d say something like “get away from me (BANNED TOPIC)” .
I mean obviously the real salutation is to bring back prohibition but there’s no way that’s going to fly .
The other day someone said that other countries don’t have the alcohol problems that the US does , not taking about this specifically , and I don’t know if that’s true or not . But if it is true it can’t be just because of the age limit can it ? It seems far too easy that all these problems with alcohol would be solved if in America started having a glass of wine with dinner .
If there is a difference it has to be cultural right ? Because whatever you may or may not think about America is certainly seems to be WAY different than anywhere else .
I’m kind of talking in circles about nothing here really but there is one thing I want to bring up . It’s been trendy now for a while to circulate memes about consent being “sexy” . Am I wrong or is that an insane thing also ? Think about it if a dude said “consent really turns me on !” wouldn’t you run screaming away from that weirdo ? Doesn’t saying that consent is sexy equate it to a push-up bra or something ? Am I off base here ? Am I horribly missing the point ?
I’m not sure what the point of this post is but it was on my mind .
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
She said to me "That's the biggest penis I've ever seen !"
|
Posted:Sep 30, 2018 7:51 am
Last Updated:Oct 2, 2018 6:31 pm
96136 Views
|
And I said to her "I know , that's why I brought you to the penis museum" .
In a meeting the other day a lady was giving a status report and we were running short on time so the dude who was supposed to give his report after he says "No one cares about your report would you stop so I can go ?" This was not well received . But the worst part ? He's right , no one does care about her report - it doesn't effect anything , it's just that everyone has to do it you know ?
When someone is being an asshole it's always worse to me when their assholery is basically what everyone is thinking .
As far as I can tell being in a relationship largely consists of doing things you don't want and slowly building resentment for such until you do something like "accidentally" throw away one of her Care Bears that she's had since she was 8 . Probably the one that got me the most in terms of resentment was going to the farmer's market .
"40 that doesn't seem so bad ."
I know , and that's what makes it so bad you know ? Follow me on this , when your partner asks you do something you AB-SO-LUTE-LY hate you can kind of handle it you know ? Because they know what they're asking . But then there's other things that are like the perfect resentment builders because they're not a big enough deal to make an issue of right ? The farmer's market is number one on my list for that .
First of all you have to get up early on a Saturday . Fuck that noise . Secondly there's dogs all over the place and dogs are stupid and I hate them . Apparently that's a thing - just taking your to the farmer's market . And thirdly I'm going to stand in a line for 30 god damn minutes for a fucking breakfast burrito that isn't even that good .
One time many years ago I was engaging in some resentment-building gardening . Things hadn't gotten off to a great start because she seemed to be assuming some level of gardening knowledge that there was no reason to assume . This an exaggeration for effect but it felt to me like this is what happened -
"What do you what me to do ?"
"Garden"
Anyway , so I was standing there will a shovel kind of poking around doing a whole lot of nothing and we were chatting , I don't remember about what . And I asked a question and she responded and then after a beat she said
"Wait , do you think I'm stupid ?"
And I said after a beat "You are soooooooo pretty"
Terrible . And the worst part is I didn't think she was stupid , I was just being a jerk because I was "forced" to garden .
My attempts to get a regular flag-day get together with the gang have failed so my new plan is to see if I can get a tradition going where we celebrate Canadian thanksgiving , since despite what sitcoms would have you believe , you generally don't hang with your crew on thanksgiving since that's family time .
People seem into it this year , but will it stick ? I sure hope so .
I realize that as the single unmarried person in the group this is an attempt to desperately try to keep us together as they drift farther away into their 40deuceless lives but that realization doesn't stop me from wanting to try .
The problem is that this year Canadian thanksgiving is the same day as Columbus Day and some people might think we're celebrating that . Which is no bueno .
I'm making the turkey and stuffing and the traditional Canadian thanksgiving treat Nanaimo bars .
Ingredients
Bottom Layer
½ Cup unsalted butter
¼ Cup sugar
5 Tbsp. cocoa
1 egg beaten
1 ¼ Cups Graham wafer crumbs
½ Cups finely chopped almonds
1 Cup coconut
Middle Layer
½ Cup unsalted butter
2 Tbsp. and 2 Tsp. cream
2 Tbsp. vanilla custard powder
2 Cups icing sugar
Top Layer
4 squares semi-sweet chocolate (1 Oz. each)
2 Tbsp. unsalted butter
Procedure
Bottom Layer
1.Melt first 3 ingredients in top of double boiler.
2.Add egg and stir to cook and thicken.
3.Remove from heat. Stir in crumbs, coconut, and nuts.
4.Press firmly into an ungreased 8" x 8" pan.
Middle Layer
1.Cream butter, cream, custard powder, and icing sugar together well. Beat until light.
2.Spread over bottom layer.
Top Layer
1.Melt chocolate and butter over low heat. Cool.
2.Once cool, but still liquid, pour over second layer and chill in refrigerator.
Once set, cut into squares and serve. Enjoy.
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
I am cleaver
|
Posted:Sep 29, 2018 9:23 am
Last Updated:Sep 30, 2018 7:27 am
95754 Views
|
I had a post all ready to go in my mind about the Batman (it's been a while since I did a Bat-post) but then when I logged in things changed . On the home page I am presented with the ladies in my area who are online which is the same 8-12 people for years and years - but every now and then a new one pops in . Today is such a day . That always draws my eye , and this one was especially noteworthy because it was so obviously a "fake" . I mean there's some good looking folks on here but you can still pick out the ones that are a little too perfect you know ?
Anyway , I enjoy a good fake profile so I checked it out and the second line turned my world upside down .
"I am cleaver" it said . At that moment my life took a 90 degree turn and things will never be the same again .
"40 , clearly that's a robo-misspelling and it's supposed to read 'I am clever' you boob"
NO !
I am cleaver is what it says and what it is supposed to say .
And now I am left to ponder . What does it mean ?
Is it a reference to the John Wayne Cleaver series of books ? And if so in what way ? Is this person also saying they are a sociopath who lives up a strict code to avoid what they perceive as their fate of being a serial killer ? Sidenote the movie adaptation of "I Am Not a Serial Killer" is 92% on Rotten Tomatoes .
Is it a reference to A Perfect Circle and the song "Package" which is a desperate plea for help from someone hopeless addicted to drugs ? And if so what is that trying to tell us ? Is this person a sex addict and they're presence here is a terrible tragedy ? Or they are literally a drug addict and they're indicating they'll trade sex for drugs ?
Is it a reference to the Cleavers , the prototypical American family of Leave it to Beaver ? You know what's super creepy ? Saying something like "Good evening, Mrs. Cleaver. My, that's a pretty dress." Maybe that's just me . If it is a reference to the Cleavers is it a legit thing , I'm normal and all-American like them or is it some kind of subversion ? Is the punchline that the popularity of the Cleavers is based exactly on its perceived deviation from the real world ?
"I am cleaver" is that revealing something about this persons relationship with their father ? And how it has shaped their sexual behavior ? Much idealized as the archetypal swell Dad , the day-to-day burdens of fatherhood in fact overwhelmed Ward Cleaver . Rare was the episode in which he restrained his fury over his sons' misdeeds , often imagined . Can anyone doubt , the emotional damage his rantings and unfair accusations - his emotional abuse -must have done to the boys ?
Is "I am cleaver" a declaring of surviving said abuse ?
Is this person claiming to be me old pal Jimmy "Cleaver" Lever ? Did he transition into a very striking woman and also somehow de-age himself 20 years ? If so how did he do it ? And how does the United States Naval Construction Battalion of which he was a part feel about it ?
IF you could be 20 years younger but the process also reversed your gender would you do it ?
Is it a reference to Brother Lynch Hung and his part in the creation/popularization of the genre of horrorcore ? And if so is this person proclaiming their love for the genre or decrying it's use of violence against women as a form of entertainment ? Do they feel that horrorcore does some good by raising issues of mental health ?
Sidenote it's fun to watch documentaries from other countries about America - there was a British one a few years back that talked about how horrorcore was like a dominate force in American culture when in reality 97% of people have never heard of it . I got a good chuckle out of the posh British people being shocked that this is what America has become . Fun times .
The truth is that the meaning of "I am cleaver" will never be known and cannot be known .
Connect each pair of geometric vertices of an n-dimensional hypercube to obtain a complete graph on 2n vertices . Color each of the edges of this graph either red or blue . What is the smallest value of n for which every such coloring contains at least one single-colored complete subgraph on four coplanar vertices ?
This value is the same as "I am cleaver" , the human mind cannot comprehend .
One thing is for sure though - now , I am cleaver . I have always been cleaver . I shall always be cleaver .
Are you also cleaver friend ?
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
|
|
Ugliness = manliness
|
Posted:Sep 26, 2018 4:34 pm
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2018 2:58 pm
96150 Views
|
The following states have never had a female governor –
Arkansas
California
Colorado
Florida
Georgia
Idaho
Illinois
Indiana
Maine
Maryland
Minnesota
Mississippi
Missouri
Nevada
New York
North Dakota
Pennsylvania
South Dakota
Tennessee
Virginia
West Virginia
Wisconsin
If your state is not on this list congratulations you are hero . If your state is on this list please move to a state that is not on the list as soon as possible . If you want to move to the great state of Iowa you can stay with me for a couple months until you find a place of your own.
An annoying person at work today was telling everyone with great authority what Hollywood hunks are secretly gay – Ryan Reynolds , Ryan Gosling , Jake Gyllenhall , Bradley Cooper , Channing Tatum , Zach Effron , Chris Hemsworth , etc. and one person who doesn’t understand how morons work said skeptically “how do you know they’re gay ?” to which they said “isn’t it obvious ?”
As I was raining blows down upon them something occurred to me – you never hear ugly male celebs being rumored as being secretly gay . I suppose the deal is that if you’re attractive the assumption (probably correctly) is that you care about your appearance which is clearly feminine and just as obviously a gay man is just a man being like a woman right ?
There’s definitely some kind of notion out there that being a gross monster is “manly” which is interesting . The theory must be that men and women are opposites and women are supposed to be uptight and proper and men therefore need to be farting barfing frat monsters .
Speaking of (not really) the other day a lady of my acquaintance asked me if I would let Matthew McConaughey blow me on his private jet and I said I wasn’t sure because I would be tempted to try and use that to blackmail him which would probably not turn out well . And she said “do you think anyone cares about that these days ?” After reflection , I do , because are there any out gay leading men in Hollywood ?
I can’t really think of any . Ian McKellen maybe but he’s not really a leading man . I don’t think he was out back in the day either . So yes , I do think that Matthew McConaughey would care if I was threatening to leak video of him giving me a blowjob on a private plane over a state that has never had a female governor . And not just because having sex with a blob like me would hurt his street cred .
I had dinner with some of my old cronies from my previous job and we were talking about RoboCop versus Terminator because that’s the kind of thing we talk about and someone said they had seen both movies as a and only remembered being scared by them .
RoboCop was pretty scary for a because right away the main good guy gets turned into hamburger by Red from That 70’s Show . Which is messed up to a ten year old . I remember the dude getting his hand shot off pretty vividly and being disturbed by it . Thinking about this I remembered that the other movie that disturbed me as a was Darkman which also had the main good guy getting fucked up right away . Mostly what I remember about that is the bad guys repeatedly putting a plastic bag over his head and then taking it off right before he passed out/died .
Now , I watched all kinds of violent movies that were not age appropriate but I assume the reason these two bothered me specifically is because they were scenes where the good guy was helpless – and that probably made me think of all the times my various bully-gangs had me at their mercy and made me think about all the even worse stuff they could have been doing to me .
Why do I bring this up ? No reason really .
I was reading an article about sexual harassment today and it made the claim that most harassers don’t know what they’re doing is wrong . Do you believe that ?
|
|
|
6
Comments
|
|
Best of Both Worlds
|
Posted:Sep 21, 2018 6:18 pm
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2018 5:02 pm
96362 Views
|
Best of Both Worlds , the season 3 finale/season 4 premiere of Star Trek the Next Generation is a pretty great piece of television . Some people say it's the best Tv show ever . Which it isn't , but it's pretty good .
What I didn't know though is the backstory behind it which is Patrick Stewart was in contract negotiations at the time so they wanted a story that gave them a way to write him off the show in case he deiced to play hardball and they couldn't work out a deal . Which explains the presence of Commander Shelby aka the only competent female character on the show . I always thought it was odd they'd bring in ANOTHER character on a show that already had too many characters for such a critical story arc but knowing what I now know it makes perfect sense . If Patrick Stewart bails Riker becomes Captain and Shelby is the new XO .
Which had to have been a little weird for the actress n'est-ce pas ? The deal is either you're going to be one of the main characters on a hit TV show or you're just going to become nothing and keep grinding away - all based on what Patrick Stewart decides to do with his life . I mean maybe she was cool with that but it seems like it kind of had to suck .
Did you know there's a website dedicated to the legal issues in Seinfeld episodes ? I didn't . My world is a little brighter now . Did you know that most states now allow for women to go topless in public as long as they're not doing it for commercial purposes ? Jane in the episode "the Hamptons" was doing nothing wrong . Learning !
I have a new best friend but she has a real problem with speaking in dating/sex site code - I have a hard time figuring out what she means a goodly portion of the time . What do you think these things are referring to ;
"experimenting with tofu" - According to the internet tofu can mean one of two things , either a slur against hetro white dudes (squishy , white and bad taste) or someone who's a personality mimic , I presume because tofu takes on the flavor of whatever is around it . I have to say it kind of warms my cockles that there's slurs against heterosexual dudes . Either way I suppose she was talking about some squishy white dude she was getting freaking with who may or may mimic the behavior of whatever people are around .
"officiating a wedding" - This one is tricky because I can find no special hidden meaning in the terms officiate nor wedding . I can only conclude that this is a reference of the infamous Red Wedding of Game of Thrones fame and it's a reference to some kind of dastardly undertaking .
"spreading the gospel at the grumpy goat" - So goat = Greatest of All Time , and who was one of the greatest who's also notoriously grumpy ? Kermit Washington . In addition to being great at basketball he was also great at embezzling half a million dollars from a 's charity . So clearly he needs to learn the lessons of the Gospel .
"crying on a pretzel" - This one is also puzzling . Someone said that the pretzel language is a penis reference but that can't be true unless she's into that crazy cock stuff which I sincerely hope is not true - although that would explain the crying . So maybe the "pretzel" is just a complicated issue and the crying is because of frustration ? Similar to "banging your head against a wall" . Or wait no , maybe it's "crying" in the sense of "crying wolf" and the pretzel is some kind of person ? Like you're snitching on someone maybe ? "Lil Nessa crossed into my turf so I had to cry on that pretzel" . That seems right .
"Celebrating April Fool's Day" - This one is easy , April Fool's is clearly a reference to the Second Punic War which resulted in Rome's rise to power in the Mediterranean . Which I guess is something you might want to celebrate . Maybe if you're from Rome ?
"Tackling the cake lady" - Seize the day ?
"Take the rock out" - Of your head maybe ? Like as it 'stop being dumb' ? Or is she saying she's going to take down Dwyane "the Rock" Johnson ? I guess he deserves it for cheating on his wife . And for being a shitty wrestler .
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
There's one thing that's true no matter where in the galaxy you go - sandwiches are good
|
Posted:Sep 19, 2018 6:42 pm
Last Updated:Sep 21, 2018 5:40 pm
97011 Views
|
A while ago someone at work asked "does it smell like paint thinner in here to you ?" and I explained that I have a very poor sense of smell , which led to me telling the story (such as it is) of my sister shooting a bottle rocket up my nose .
And I realized for the FIRST time that this happened in the summer of '83 - the same year Return of the Jedi came out .
What's the significance there ? Much like Luke hitting the exhaust port on the Death Star to start the chain reaction to destroy it my sister hitting me IN the nose like that was a million to one shot .
Most people probably think that my sister pinned me down and jammed a bottle rocket in my nose and set it off but that's not so . We were running around playing with fireworks , as did in those days - it was a simpler time before rainbow parties and pill swapping - and I said something to her that made her mad (I don't recall what) and she fired said bottle rocket at me from maybe 17 feet away .
Being a sissy boy when I saw that she was firing at me I both ducked and spun away . Now I know what you're thinking , what the hell 40 , were you TRYING to get a bottle rocket up the ass ? First of all I was six you sick bastard and secondly I panicked - obviously the smart thing to do would have been to drop to the ground but it was an instinctual wussy reaction .
The point is the rocket came under my body/torso and right up the nose - which is a highly unlikely turn of events .
But 40 , you're taking about the first Star Wars movie that came out in 77 not Return of the Jedi .
Shut up , there's a connection still !
Did you know that David Cronenberg was one of the original choices to direct Return of the Jedi ? Wrap you mind about that folks . I kind of want to start working on a screenplay of what a Cronenberg Return of the Jedi would have been like . I mean who didn't walk out of Jedi saying "I wish that had been more like Dead Ringers" ? If they did they were time travelers fool because that movie didn't come out for another 5 years !
Anyway , Cronenberg Jedi - think about it .
I had a fairly disturbing dream the other night - an older fellow from work came to live with me as did a mentally challenged person I knew years ago . Oldy had a stoke and his freaked out mentally challenged dude who responded by beating the shit out of him while he was having a stroke . I tried to stop him but he was too strong . So I called 911 and three paramedics showed up , two of them started helping stroke guy and the other one tried to calm down mentally challenged guy but he flipped out again and started strangling her . Again I tried to stop him but couldn't . In the end all 3 paramedics were badly injured and I was trying to call 911 again while hiding from mentally challenged guy .
I suppose if you think dreams mean anything this is a manifestation of my attempts to help people by doing my job and how they're thwarted by the uncaring of others . But dreams don't mean anything .
Many years back I went to a football game with my buddy Floorboard and his GF and my buddy Camelback and his fiancée . As we were getting ready to go Camelback's fiancée says to Floorboard's GF "You look nice" and she said "thanks" and after a beat fiancée said "Usually when a girl tells another girl she looks nice they say it back" and GF said "But you're dressed like a boy" .
Things got real ugly after that .
Is that true ? If you're a woman and compliment one of your peers do you expect them to say it back ?
Have you seen any of the commercials for the new Magnum PI . It looks awful . Wait no , let me change that , it doesn't look very Magnum PI-y , it looks like generic action show # 17 . It actually looks kind of like an A-Team rip off to me more than anything .
Do TV show reboots ever work ? Knightrider sucked , Bionic Woman sucked , V sucked , Dallas sucked , Dynasty sucked , Heroes Reborn SUPER sucked , 90210 suck , Fuller House awful , MacGyver pukatronic , Odd Couple lame , Charlie's Angels garbage , etc.
The X-Files is okay but that's not really a reboot .
Generally there's a reason for this failure , although I have no theory on why the people making these shows can't figure it out .
Good news ! You've acquired the rights to remake that classic show you loved as a . But hold on ; you watch the series again and you realize something. Shockingly , there's No Hugging , No Kissing - not even sexual tension or a gratuitous bikini shot . Well, that will never do , surely people only ever watch TV for the sex , right ? And what'll keep the parents entertained ? There's only one thing for it : you'll have to make it younger and hotter .
Firstly , all female characters get stripperiffic outfits , while all men get one shirtless scene after another . Then add some "Witty Banter" between the lead characters about penis size , some bow-chicka-bow-wow , a "manly" hero and a chaste sidekick who's a stupid and innocent virgin , a Ms. Fanservice with gag boobs and no nudity taboo . Heck , why not go all the way and chuck everyone in bed together and say it's just you making the series more mature ?
Unsurprisingly , fans tend to dislike these remakes for several reasons . Firstly , these are characters that people have cherished since childhood and it can be very disturbing to see them suddenly start making masturbation jokes . Secondly , some people feel awkward about blatant innuendos , especially when they are so blatant that the clean meaning is harder to find than the dirty one . Third it can seem insulting to both the viewers and to the franchise . It seems to be saying both that "Viewers Are Morons—they won't watch a show unless it has sex in it !" and "this show is so terrible that if we don't chuck some cheap titillation in , no one will watch it !" Finally, given that the sex is effectively added as an afterthought , it can often feel badly taped on .
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
Bahahaha !
|
Posted:Sep 18, 2018 6:10 pm
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2018 6:00 pm
94924 Views
|
I need a new bedframe (if you know what I mean) so I checked Amazon just to see what was out there and this by a HUGE margin the most asked question ;
Question:
Is the headboard sturdy enough for handcuffs?
Answer:
NOOOOO. This bed is not sturdy enough for that. I wish I'd spent another $100 on a bed that didn't crack at the joints. This bed is only for sleeping.
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
Temple of the Dog
|
Posted:Sep 18, 2018 6:02 pm
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2018 6:01 pm
95287 Views
|
Would you drive 4 hours for 150 dollars ? That's the dilemma I find myself in . That's 35 bucks an hour which is pretty good but when you break it down like that I always find myself in trouble . Such as when I'm at work and I think about my hourly wage and I contemplate "is it worth that amount of money to be here right now for an hour ?" the answer is always no . In the olden days 200 dollars was the standard purse for a big time wrestling match so that seems like a good minimum to do anything that takes much time or effort .
Ladies ? WINK
As you all know I hate the term "doggy style" but I love said style . I've tried before to get other names off the ground and into the common parlance but nothing has taken off . Most often I've tried to popularize the term "X-Files style" because doing it from behind returned to prominence in 1994 as a way for people to have sex and still both be able to watch the X-Files without on person looking at the screen upside down .
And YES I know that you could do it cowgirl and look back over your shoulder but craning your neck like that is really bad .
In screenplays/teleplays when they're diagramming a sex scene they call that "rear entry" which first of all has NO cache and secondly sounds like anal .
In the kama sutra it's called congress of the cow , aka cow style , which is obviously no better and maybe a little worse .
In the animal kingdom they call it presenting which no , just no .
But I've been thinking about this a lot and I think the reason why my previously attempts at rebranding the style that shall not be named is because I wasn't on theme .
Consider this - the two other baseline positions are Missionary and Cowgirl . And those are people kinds of people and/or jobs . The key to coming up with a good replacement is sticking with that theme . Not only that but when you think of missionaries and cowgirls what do you think of ? The old west , I mean not the real old west but the fake Hollywood one from Dances with Wolves , the Revenant , True Grit , Django Unchained , Rango , Blazing Saddles , Wild Wild West , Butch Cassidy and the Sundance and the like . BTW those are supposedly the top grossing Westerns which is shameful since only 2 of them are actually westerns .
The point is my new genre appropriate name for "doggy style" , which will soon be a term no one remembers , is Gunslinger .
Please discontinue all use of doggy style and start saying Gunslinger .
Did you know that some couples find gunslinger relationship-affirming , as it requires and implies a level of trust and a surrender of control by the receiving to the active partner ? I didn't . Also I don't really know what that means . How is gunslinger more vulnerable than missionary ? With missionary you're basically trapped under a mountain of flesh - with gunslinger a hop , skip and a jump and you're out the door . Which is why you should always leave your bra on during Gunslinger so in the event you need to flee you don't end up with a public nudity charge .
See , I'm always watching out for you folks .
Did you know that dogging is British slang for having sex in public ? I did .
I've resolved to stop posting polls which I've been doing lately , but I did want to ask people which would you rather do -
Kiss the Gunner's
OR
Suck the Monkey
It's a trick question of course because these are old naval slang terms . I mean obviously you'd rather kiss a girl , even if you're a straight lady or gay dude , than suck a monkey dick - but Kissing the Gunner's is a euphemism for being lashed to a cannon mount and whipped whereas Sucking the Monkey means to drink the booze . Although this being AdultFriendFinder and all it's possible that Kissing the Gunner's would have won anyway .
I purchased a magazine the other day for the first time in probably 25 years - and it was 14 DAMN dollars ! Stupid Time magazine , who do they think they are ? That is literally outrageous in that I was outraged I was . It's a special issue on the science of laughter . Here's a few tidbits -
Laughing and crying provide the same release , so the next time you feel like you're about to cry think about that SNL sketch - you know the one I mean - and laugh instead
The person telling a joke laughs 43% of the time more often than the person hearing it
You're 30 times more likely to laugh when you're not alone
The thing that most reliable gets people to laugh according to neuroscientists (a hilarious bunch) is showing them a clip of someone else trying not to laugh in a situation when it would be inappropriate to do so
Laughter originated as a way for our primitive baboon ancestors to indicate they were play-fighting instead of murder-fighting , which is why tickling often causes laughter while kicking in the ribs does not . So the next time you're about to throw down start chuckling - your opponent will think you're just messing around and you'll get the advantage .
Here's a good joke . There used to be a famous thought experiment about someone born blind , if they were given sight would they be able to tell the difference been a round ball and a square block which they had "seen" by feeling all their life by looking at it . This used to be a thought experiment because we now know that the answer is "no" because people born blind have been given sight and they always think the opposite - that the block is the smooth round thing they've felt and vice versa .
The joke is that your brain does whatever it wants - data coming through the eyes or through the hands or through the ears is all just noise - the brain gives it meaning . What you see is what you've been trained to see and literally nothing else .
Consider this , you and your buddies are watching the football game and your pet cat is laying around doing cat stuff . The cat cannot see the image on the screen - so to them you're just sitting there staring at nothing . Even the voices coming from the TV don't really mean anything to them because they're not accompanied by other things that cat's use to process information - they're of no interest .
Even if a cat could learn to speak you would have a very difficult time communicating because you're experiencing very different realities . You could never really explain to the cat what the heck is going on because the way the world is shaped for each of you is not the same at all .
And this is despite the fact that you and your cat both evolved in the same world and have very similar biology .
Now , roll this forward , if an alien being - that evolved in a different world with different biology - landed on earth it's ability to understand us and what we got going on would be similarly limited . As would ours to understand it . Your brain would search for context and it would find none . To the point where you might not even register it at all .
We live and die according to how we interpret the unknown and all of human culture is that very process playing out over and over and over again .
Now that's a punchline .
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
|
|
A brief history of invasive fish species in the Mississippi River and their impact on China trade
|
Posted:Sep 16, 2018 10:56 am
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2018 4:41 pm
95519 Views
|
The best way to catch Mississippi catfish is with live bait . Back in the 70's fisherfolk (people who fish not anthropomorphic fishers , which would be awesome) decided that a good live bait fish would be the Asiatic carp which is a colloquial term for several species of heavy-bodied cyprinid fishes (FYI "heavy-bodied" is what I'm going to start using to describe my physique) . Much like when the Jin dynasty in China let the Mongols south of the Great Wall this turned out not to be a great idea . Some of the bait fish escaped (like my left ball when I wear jockeys shorts) and finding they were better than all the other fish around conquered the mighty Mississippi like rampaging Mongol hordes (is that racist ? sorry Mongolians) . This is bad if you care about the environment (which let's be honest , you don't) but it's good news if you like sweet-sweet cash . Because exporting Asiatic carp to China is big money (is that ironic ? no , but it's something) .
Some kinds of Asiatic carp have become famous for being easily frightened by boats and personal watercraft , causing them to leap high into the air (like Michael Jordan , racist ? Sorry Michael Jordan) . They can easily jump 8 to 10 feet into the air and numerous boaters have been severely injured by collisions with the fish . According to the DNR "reported injuries include cuts from fins , black eyes , broken bones , back injuries and concussions (like your football heroes ! )."
If you're a lady and you have a black eye from getting hit by a flying carp is anyone going to believe your husband didn't punch you ?
Why do I bring this up ? No reason really . Oh wait , there was one reason . Remember that time I saved a dumb lizard for dying in the harsh April winter of Iowa ? Of course you do . That seemed super weird at the time but it turns out it was only kind of weird . The Argentine black and white tegu (which I think is what I found) is currently invading the Southern states like the Normans invaded England in 1066 (no apologies you dirty Normans) . People get them as pets then , as like the jerks they are , get tied of them and chuck them out the window - but like Liam Niesen in Taken franchise these lizards aren't going to take that sitting down . Survive they did (ironically they're probably better off given the "care" many people give to their lizard pets) and they've spread from Texas to the Carolinas . Because they are the superior organism . Much like the Asiatic carp they are destroying the "natural" wildlife because they're better .
I'm not sure how I feel about invasive species and the fight against them . I mean first of all humans are surely the most destructive invasive species of all time - if only the Caribbean monk seal had acted more quickly to keep humans out of their ecosystem we wouldn't be in this mess . But you know how Monk seals are with their bickering . Actually you don't because they're all dead and they're never coming back , but trust me . But the other piece - isn't that what evolution is about ? I mean the Asiatic carp is winning right ? Why should we interfere with that ?
Fun fact if you encounter a tegu in the "wilds" of the American South its going to give you 3 warnings before charging and biting your face off . First it will hiss - like a cat or a old lady at the movies . Second it will lash it's tail about - like a cat or a drunk lady in a catsuit on Halloween . People often mistake the lashing tail for a snake because said Tegu is in tall grass or whatnot . Thirdly it will stamp it's front feet like a bull about to charge or a angry little who doesn't get ice cream . At that point if you're still around I feel like you want you face bitten off .
I'm thinking about buying a bunch of these and just wearing them around instead of pants . These are of course Diamond MMA Athletic Cup Groin Protector & Compression Shorts System with Built-in Jock Strap . It's a SYSTEM people . And if someone comments on it I'll try to get them in an armbar .
I heard someone say 'noroc' the other day . According to the world wide web this means luck in Romanian . It's also a music group from Moldavia . It's also a DOTorg with a mission to offer new opportunities for spiritual , physical , educational and emotional growth so that at-risk Romanian institutionalized may escape cycles of poverty , dependency and abuse , and may become independent adults who can nurture meaningful relationships and contribute to their communities . I wonder in which context this person was speaking .
This is a fisher BTW . They're 100% adorbs but they'll tear your lungs out if you mess with them . They mostly eat hares and porcupines . They have a decent range in Canada where people don't want to live so unlike 90% of other animals they probably won't go extinct in your lifetime . Probably .
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
31
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
